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#HappyBirthdayNorickAbe

お誕生日おめでとうございます、阿部典史さん。 ♥
1975年9月7日~2007年10月7日

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Apparently, since the day a Japanese mate sent me a poster of him I have in my bedroom, now I feel more anything about him.

Four years, eh? Four fucking years.

And it’s not even September 5th in Colombia. No, not yet.

But so many fucking things changed that day of 2010. It was not just that I went really “frozen” when I knew about this guy, just in the worst moment, too. And, fuck, this really hurts me so much :/

This young guy made smile to others, and also the photos of him also give me such a great smile.

But also, that day, he made us cry too.

For me, his departing was such a sad coincidence with the day I decided to face to one of most pathetic people I ever met, and one of few people I regret to have called them of “friend”. I still cannot think both situations as different.

Such a very bitter, harsh thing, too bitter for being Shoya-kun seeming to be so sweet and hype.

Fuck, I was never so dramaqueen regarding Shoya Tomizawa. But now, why? Why the fact of having now a poster of him at the bedroom has such so powerful effect on me? ;___;

This fucking hurts. ;__;

#48forever

No, otra vez no.

Desde aquél día, siempre que ocurre algo así, mi única reacción para no romperme sería esa frase.

Y entonces me entero via twitter que en los entrenamientos para el TT de la Isla de Man (again u_u) nos dejó otro piloto, un tal Yoshinari Matsushita.

"No, otra vez no".

Y, guess what, tengo entendido, que en la Ballacrye, aunque tengo entendido que los fans de esto le llaman la Ballascary. Con justa razón se le ha llamado de esa manera.

Mi primer recuerdo sobre motociclismo de competición, más exactamente, la MotoGP, fue un accidente fatal. En aquél lejano Abril del 2003, yo sólo era una simple estudiante que comenzaba secundaria.

Tengo entendido, que esa parte del circuito es particularmente peligrosa y demasiada gente nos dejó allí.

Tengo tan presente lo que sucedió con Kato, que cualquier cosa que haya sucedido después me remitirá a ese día. A mi maldito primer recuerdo. Pero sólo tras lo sucedido con Simoncelli aquél día del 2011, es que yo usaría esa frase siempre que alguien en el motociclismo, siga o no la categoría, se dejara la vida en las pistas.

Soy consciente de que el TT de la Isla de Man es demasiado peligroso y que hay un promedio de al menos una muerte cada año, algo así. Y creo yo, estoy siendo demasiado optimista. Aquí vamos de nuevo.

"No, otra vez no".

Y no importa que esto sea tan común que ocurra en la Isla de Man. No importa que siendo esto motociclismo, morirte en la pista sea mucho más común que con los “primos” de las cuatro ruedas. Pero el sentimiento es el mismo. Siempre duele cuando te enteras.

No quiero contar las veces que he dicho esta frase. No quiero recordarlo, porque cuando cuento todas esas veces, tengo que tener presente todas y cada una de las veces que he oído algo así. Y siempre es triste.

El sentimiento de tristeza no cambia. Es en esos momentos donde todos nos tenemos que apoyar. No importa lo que pase. Quizás, por eso escribo esto. Quizás alguien me leerá y entenderá.

Y entonces, otra vez, tengo que decir, por enésima vez… “no, otra vez no”.

Hasta siempre, Matsushita-san.

[SPANISH] [Originally on my FB] Gracias por nada. (May 3rd, 2013)

"Desde quando um piloto de Fórmula 1 precisa ser exemplo de alguma coisa? Gente, piloto ganha salário, casa, comida e roupa lavada e só deve satisfações à equipe que defende e a si mesmo. Esse papo mala de que "campeão que é campeão não joga sujo" não existe, é ingenuidade por parte de vocês."

(¿Desde cuándo un piloto de Formula 1 necesita ser ejemplo de alguna cosa? Gente, piloto gana su salario, casa, comida y ropas lavadas y sólo le debe algo al equipo que defiende y a sí mismo. Esa tontería de que ‘campeón que es campeón no juega sucio’ no existe, es ingenuidad de parte de ustedes). -> by mymotorsportspace on his FB account.

Eso va dedicado especialmente al 90% de los fans de Ayrton Senna que pululan por mi FB o por YT.
Me harté. Me niego a ser igualada con esa bola de estúpidos que lo endiosan, que creen que no cometió nunca trampas. (SI COMO NO MONITO)
Soy mucho mejor que eso, lo siento. No, no lo siento, no le debo disculpas a nadie, especialmente a gente mayor de 40 años o más que tienen una forma de pensar que así sea a los golpes y con palabras hirientes, superé a los 12 años.
¿Qué? ¿Acaso creían que dejé de hacer videos sobre Senna sólo por lo de unos incidentes que tuve de bloqueos en YT? Nah. Me harté. Me harté de estupideces, de cuentos de hadas, de chilladeras de gente que le cree a toda la mierda que dice Rede Globo. Me harté. Y mi salud mental, hecha una mierda porque si yo sé que las malditas viudas son así es porque YO era así. Porque por causa de que yo fui viuda es que sé cómo es esta mierda. Sé lo terrible y estúpido que es haber caído en tal error y debo compensarlo.

Y me alegra que hoy en día no endiose a mi héroe de infancia. Me enorgullezco de ello. Me enorgullece haber superado esta tontería que si no me la perdonaron cuando yo tenía 12 años, ¿Por qué se la tengo que perdonar a gente en sus treinta, cuarenta, cincuenta? Me enorgullece que con 20 años yo sea mucho más madura que buena parte de la afición brasileña de Ayrton Senna. Me enorgullece y con justa razón. Porque yo soy mejor que eso.

Sé que ustedes me van a odiar, van a creer que detesto a Ayrton Senna (DAFUQ?) y por lo tanto acusarme de pésima persona. Lo sé. Yo lo sé y muy bien.

Yo no soy Sennista, bola de idiotas. Yo soy Jessica Chaparro/Kanaru von Pepinous, no una vil idólatra chillona.

Yo soy mucho mejor y mucho más que algo tan patético como eso.

Gracias por nada.

——

Originally published in my FB account, but I decided to share it with all of you in tumblr.

I know that also outside Brazil it seems to be ‘wrong’ for some people to don’t idolize Ayrton Senna (especially after of that film about him), and maybe you will think that I am exaggerating, but no, actually, most Brazilian fans of Ayrton Senna are THAT stupid.

In resume: I am tired of solely for the fact I like Senna, I am like those douchebags. And I don’t care if I sound arrogant, but I am better than those fans. I am way better. And I don’t even sorry.

And among all the things I have in my head
you became the center of all of them right now
to the rythm of the sounds of my head
a sweet guitar and a beautiful violin sound
what I listen outside and inside
it became for me, what makes me think of you.

tagged » kanaru · me · personal · random · writings ·

Bienvenidos al país del sagrado corazón.

Buenas noches. Hoy comenzó el debate para la aprobación del matrimonio de parejas homosexuales en Colombia.

Aunque la Corte Constitucional ya ha oficializado que las parejas homosexuales pueden ser consideradas familia, aún se debe hacer una formalización de esto a través de leyes.

Hoy han comenzado a hablar los opositores a que se apruebe esto.

Todos, todos, basan sus “argumentos” en prejuicios religiosos y morales. Todos se basan en la Biblia. Ninguno dice algo decente. TODOS usan sus conceptos morales para justificar que los gays sigan siendo ciudadanos de segunda. Todos dicen los mismos argumentos que me conozco de pequeñita para seguir oponiéndose a esto o a que las parejas homosexuales adopten niños. “¿traumas psicológicos?” ¡Joder, cualquier tipo de pareja que no sepa criar a un menor va a traer problemas psicológicos sean hetero u homo!

¿Familias ‘normales’ cuando aquí hay muchas madres solteras? ¿”Procrear solamente”? JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA, entonces que los estériles no se casen, entonces que se acabe el sistema de adopción. ¡Pues que vuelvan los tiempos en los que el matrimonio era forzado por motivos económicos o políticos en buena parte de Occidente!

Vamos, digan que la Tierra es plana, que la mujer es el peor de todos los seres por haber comido del fruto prohibido, y esa larga lista de cosas. Y ustedes que usan todo tipo de telas varias y mezcladas, incluso artificiales en sus ropas, ¿Por qué no son ‘eliminados de entre su pueblo’? LOL

País fallido este. Que desde la Constitución de 1991 se quitó esa estupidez de “consagrado al sagrado corazón de Jesús” a consecuencia de ser más o menos consistente con ser un país pluricultural, por lo tanto pasar a ser país laico. Pero la iglesia sigue teniendo demasiada importancia y poder aquí. Y eso se ve con nuestros gobernantes y legisladores, criados de esa manera.

Y dicen que es sólo “sexo recreativo”, hablando mierda del sexo por placer cuando les aseguro que esos tipos se han encamado a más prostitutas que esos a los que ellos llaman “libertinos”.

Y lo peor, buena parte de la población colombiana aún es homofóbica y conservadora en esos casos.

Creen de verdad que aprobar el matrimonio gay abriría las puertas a la pedofilia u zoofilia. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Esto es Colombia, otro de esos países donde nuestros gobernantes, legisladores y buena parte de la población dan demasiada importancia a lo que hacen dos personas con pleno juicio y uso de razón en su vida íntima. Demasiada obsesión con el sexo, ¿eh? Y luego dicen que uno es un lujurioso, libertino y esas bobadas.

Si en serio este país es así, creo que de verdad eso demuestra que no pertenezco a la sociedad colombiana. No sé por qué el destino me arrojó para nacer aquí. WHY?

Y luego preguntan por qué desprecio el nacionalismo. Sobre todo cuando las cosas funcionan demasiado mal -_-.

Ten years of Suzuka 2003.

I can put my first memory of MotoGP in today ten years ago… Japanese GP of 2003, in Suzuka.

I still can remember… Daijiro’s crash being shown in national news. I still can remember how suddenly I was able of remember it, though I shouldn’t do it, because I didn’t care about MotoGP in that time. It was the first time I heard about of it, in fact.

And then during those two weeks, hearing about… he on comma, with critical state… I was still too young, with just ten years old, I didn’t understand, the only was… “he’s not fine”. I didn’t understand that he would die anyway… and as you know, in the end it happened. That April 20th.

As said a lot of riders, the race had to stop… as said Rossi and everybody, Suzuka was already too dangerous, and they weren’t able of solve it in time… and then Suzuka became the place of the sudden end of probably one of its best children. Did you know that Daijiro loved Suzuka, it was his favourite track? Destiny sometimes is so wry and bastard.

That crash became a breakpoint, and because of that, it was necessary to do a lot of things for improve safety in MotoGP. Right now, I remembered some crashes in 2012 season, who were very violent and similar to the one who killed Daijiro… against a wall… but because all those improvings, the riders now would be able of survive and being fine. But the same story as a lot of similar situations: They don’t do a shit unless something terrible happens, as with this, with Daijiro.

It’s sad and unlucky that when I want to place my first memory about MotoGP, it has to be on there. I really, really hate it. But I don’t reject it, I don’t hide it anymore, because this is my truth. My only truth.

Do you know why I chose this photo?

Because I don’t want to remember the saddest things. I would prefer this funny, cute photo, of him pointing to the camera. Yes, even in Suzuka 2003, before of that race, but still, a very funny photo.

He was like that, as shown in photos, videos… as said as people who met him personally… he was like that, funny, cool. He’s one of the few people I would call “fucking boss”. He won my respect as a rider, that one who kicked the asses of everybody in 2001 season in 250cc. That one who got a podium on his debut in Suzuka 96 of 250cc, and the following year, he would get in the last corner of last lap of Suzuka 97 the victory, from the hands of Harada and Ukawa. But also, he won my respect as a person, as the funny, cute guy who had stupid photos on his website, who dedicated a place to his cats on the first version of his official website, the one who seemed to be the only who painted something serious in a ceramics event before Motegi 2002 and had a fangirlish cameraguy saying “Kato-san, Kato-saaaaan, Kato-saaaaaaaan”.

Yes, April 6th is a very sad day, but do you know, dear Dai-chan? Yes, I miss you, but you were so fucking awesome that to cry over you would be so unfair.

I would love to have you winning as my first memory. But it was impossible. But still, I can research and I can talk random stuff and spread the love.

And despite my lack of luck I can admire you. You deserve it. I chose to remember and I am not alone.

ありがとう、大ちゃん。とても寂しいよ、でも...おねがい、君はあたしにと嬉しいよ。私はあなたに一番の笑顔を見せます。

All my infinite respect for you, Kato Daijiro-senshu.

~kanaru von pepinous~ 「阿部カナル」~「クレイドネ・フラナガン」

Something changed.

Admiration and respect never changed.

They’re always the same.

But there is something in my feelings that changed.

I changed as a fan, as a person.

Today is not an easy day. Believe me.

Spring and Autumn will mean the same thing for me each March 21st.

But this time it’s different.

I will not be the same anymore.

Dear Ayrton, if there is a faraway, I hope you’re able of understand my position, mi situation and my decision.

Despite some of your flaws I can’t really stand, I kept my admiration as I promised since the day I began my recovering.

I am proud to say I am not anymore the kind of person who put you in a pedestal, unlike most of your fellows, though the problems I have with them. They’re wrong, it’s truth, but they haven’t nothing to do with the things I have to deal.

I am proud of being able of enjoy motorsports despite your departing and other tragedies, some of them affecting me so much that I don’t even know how I am so fucking strong. I can be wrong, but I think even you would feel so angry and sad of people who never liked the thing you most loved and stop of follow it because of you.

When something goes wrong, when I get crying without need, when I feel sad, weak, I remember my progresses. I remember from what I am able now.

I remember that unlike I used to believe, there are around people who loves me though my flaws, mistakes, despite all wrong I did, do and I will keep doing. Do you know what is this? I feel I am being forgiven.

I am so loved, I feel people can forgive me. I can feel all this affect my friends and the one I love bring to me.

Today, as a part of my long process, I decided to let all of this go. You, my mistakes of the past.

Because I am so loved, I will let go this pain.

I will be fine, I promise, for nobody but me.

Maybe this will be the last time I will dedicate something for you this day.

Not more rage, especially against myself. I will smile, I will try to live. As I always tried to do since I began to recover.

I promise my affect and admiration will never be ruined for the rage for a hell from what I already went out.

I’m not totally recovered of the pain, but I am better than before. I write this as a way of reaffirmate my own self-steem. I still must to do a lot with it, but I always have a reason for say that there is a lot of good what happened with me.

I will keep remembering myself that I am not a fail or a worthless, that despite what I did of wrong I am not less. Maybe I still struggle for believe it, but each time I believe it more.

For now, my way of keep your legacy and memory will be as it should be: No pain anymore. I don’t need to mourn, I am too awesome for that.

The process is very long, probably it will take the rest of my life, but I shall not give up.

I know that one day I will not feel the need of being in the edge.

Something changed on me, so I will let it go.

Maybe this will be the last time. I will be fine. Respect and admiration are the same, is just that I am able of live without an unnecesary mourning.

Because I am awesome by myself. Because I want to heal. Because I love and I am loved. I say… let it go.

誕生日おめでとうございます、アイルトン・セナ選手。

image

tagged » kanaru · me · personal · ayrton senna · f1 · retro · Happy Birthday · writings · letting go ·

In general any who wishes that a rider falls during a race is just an unsensitive jerk son of a bitch.

But I swear:

If someone says that bullshit in April 6th, 2013 or April 20th, 2013, and in general any anniversary of deceasing of a rider, I will fuck off the life of the jerk of the story. I swear.

See, today something happened when Aleix Espargaró published on twitter he was finishing his helmet design for the 2013 year: In the rear he was planning to put an image of an animal with a t-shirt of Barcelona FC and also the emblem. It’s well known that Aleix likes this team.

And then an idiot (apparently, one of those Real Madrid hooligans) began to insult him just because Aleix expressed he likes the Barça. And among the bullshit he told him was that he wanted Aleix falling off his bike every day.

Here is the tweet with the helmet (in Spanish) and here, the image on Aleix’ Instagram account. Aleix also answered to the idiot but the tweets with the answers were deleted (after of all, Aleix even called to the subject of “idiot”, and very well deserved, for me).

I also wrote about this on twitter, but I will put this again, and on English:

I can’t believe that still there is a lot of douchebags who because of football are insulting the ones of the rival teams. And I swear, I know a lot of merengues (Real Madrid supporters) who clearly can say: “This guy is an idiot”. I, personally, though the sort of sympathy I have for Barça, I am not a culé (Barcelona FC supporters), in fact I am pretty indifferent to football actually. If I were a football fan and I were merengue I would clearly do an epic facepalm because that guy.

NO, NO, NO, NO. Please, guys, don’t traslade those horrible behaviors of football teams hooligans to other sports. NO, NO, NO.

And especially in high-risk sports like for example… hello, motorbike racing, the case of today.

That of wish a sportsman hurting is pretty low, c’mon.

But… in case of this, with riders falling… I will be clear:

I know what the fuck is to see a rider falling off his bike. And sadly, I know what is to know some of my favourite riders passing away because of this.

Do you fucking now I said those dates? April 6th and April 20th? Because he big shit I have as my first memory of MotoGP. Because Japanese GP of 2003, the last time MotoGP was in Suzuka Circuit. And do you know why MotoGP is not anymore on there? Because Suzuka was not anymore in the safety standards for MotoGP. And they didn’t solved that in time and the result is that Daijiro Kato crashed on there… in April 6th… and two weeks after, April 20th, he died after of get in a comma.

This year will be ten years since Daijiro Kato’s death. If today exists Safety Commission and today there is a lot of pressure for make the things safer in MotoGP, if today nobody dies because a wall, is because people in FIM and Dorna had to learn of what happened with Dai-chan.

And I warn: I am very sensitive to that issue of falls. Not just because Dai-chan, not just because Shoya or SuperSic. Also because all what happened in time and with this. Because the efforts in make this safer.

For see a son of a bitch wishing something so bad to Aleix? FUCK YOU, BITCH, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!

You don’t even fucking know what hurting is for most fans of this.

You don’t even fucking know what is to see a rider who like dying because what you wished for Aleix.

You don’t even fucking know all the motherfucking tears I had to cry because Simoncelli.

You don’t even fucking know how many times I broke inside listening or singing that song made in memory of Kato.

You don’t even fucking know how I try so hard don’t cry for Tomizawa or having the desire of say “I must take your farewell" like that song of Kamelot.

You don’t even fucking know those times I keep cursing and insulting my motherfucking bad luck because my first MotoGP memory was a fatal crash.

You don’t even fucking know how people gets so affected with those issues.

This hurts. This fucking hurts. And it’s never easy for nobody. Even though someone never cared the rider in question.

And I am sure that douchebag is not able of say that bullshit in the face of Aleix or in the face of friends, familiars and fans of someone who passed away in a crash like that. I swear, he’s not able.

Sorry about being so harsh, but this touched me in a very sensitive side and in a very bad day for that. I swear, I was really, really angry.

La mamma dei cretini è sempre incinta (Mother of idiots is always pregnant).

~kanaru von pepinous~ 「阿部カナル」~「クレイドネ・フラナガン」

Maybe you’re becoming the reason I write love letters more than before, my dear, my dearest.

And I am pleased of it.

No worries, that I have no reasons for let you go, my love.

Let me love you, please…

tagged » kanaru · me · personal · writings · love ·

あたしの日本語はあまり良くないです、でも
「愛」は私の言葉。
「愛している」が言いたい...
阿部ちゃん...あたしの言葉...
記憶。愛。気持ち。

tagged » kanaru · me · personal · japanese · writings · love ·

This is not a nightmare of ten years.

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While I prepare my post about issue with Ms. Minami Minegishi…

…I just will say:

I want to have a way better Japanese Language level than I have, and find the way of write to this girl, and tell her that about me, Jessica Chaparro/Kanaru von Pepinous/Kanaru Abe, no worries, that I see her as a person, an human being, not that stupid image of purity, innocence, that bullshit of perfect girl.

Nobody deserves to be in a situation of keep single and virgin just for please the fantasies of other people. I don’t care that I pretty dislike idol scene (though Perfume, these girls and their producer, Yasutaka Nakata, they’re so freaking awesome, it’s the only idol group I really like and very well deserved). Especially if you’re a woman and I am very aware about the motherfucking double standards of Japan and in general Asian societies. I love Japanese culture, and not just pop culture, also traditional, but I am not stupid.

I would like to be a fan of AKB48 just for show that I have no problem with an idol having a relationship or being sexually active. But since AKB48 music doesn’t call my attention and I actually have more than enough liking Perfume, well…

As said a friend: She’s a human. Above everything else.

~kanaru von pepinous~ 「阿部カナル」

I had to post something about him yesterday.

But I was feeling so like a bad memory that I prefered to talk today.

I think that I don’t have something to speak out. I only know that I had a nightmare, and I am still trying to recover of it, there are songs or videos that remember him and I struggle for watch or listen them because I fear about feel bad with a nasty nightmare, again. Glad it didn’t happen again.

I will try to be stronger.

Happy delayed birthday, Shoya-san.

Y entonces, te das cuenta que incluso cuando hay otras voces en casa y un televisor encendido cerca de tí, de todas formas por dentro… hay un completo silencio.

Entonces, observas de nuevo esa sonrisa, y dentro de tí, sólo hay silencio.

Sabes que es así. Sabes que incluso no recuerdas bien cómo eras antes de aquél día. O más bien, quizás desde entonces te has preocupado de verdad en saber quién eres.

Quizás, todo esto te duele tanto que hoy en día lo que importa es que quieres seguir viviendo, no volverte un desperdicio de oxígeno.

Duele, duele mucho, y de hecho, estás acostumbrada a sentir ese dolor repetidas veces, pero aunque digas eso, duele igual, o peor. Cada vez peor porque te haces más grande y acumulas recuerdos. Y eres más y más consciente.

Y porque hay errores que no quieres cometer de nuevo. Como quedarte callada y volverte fría como el hielo. O no confiar tu dolor incluso a personas te sorprendas, pueden entenderte. O faltarle el respeto a tus propios sentimientos y preferir subestimarte, culparte y tratarde mal porque te enseñaron que este tipo de dolor es “banal”.

¿De dónde sacas tantas fuerzas para salir adelante de esto? ¿Para seguir viviendo, no simplemente existir?

Quizás en el fondo, ahora te sientes más viva que antes. No querías que fuese de esa forma, nadie lo quiere así. Pero al final, te sientes más viva que antes de todo esto.

tagged » personal · spanish · writings · Marco Simoncelli · MotoGP · kanaru · me ·